I have never been fond of Valentine’s Day… mostly because I’ve always been single around this day… or, on a few occasions, dating a complete twat. I’ve always wanted to enjoy it, just because it is sorta cute with all the flowers and hearts and chocolates… ok, so I’m mostly fond of the chocolate – it isn’t wrong.
Since the nieces arrived on the scene, it’s a bit more enjoyable as they are, of course, adorable. I already received a Valentine from the eldest, a.k.a. Thing 1, last Friday as she was simply too excited to wait. Thing 2 offered up an adorable creation which she sneakily left for me to find early this morning – she is squishibly cute. But, I can’t say I’ve ever received a romantic Valentine of any kind… once, I was given really crappy flowers (because they were near death) and the sentiment was apologetic rather than romantic – not at all Valentine-y.
Today was no different from any other Valentine’s Day… full of woe, no matter how hard I tried for it not to be. I think it’s simply one of those reminders that, because it surrounds and consumes you all day long, there’s no escape from the truth – I am alone. Most days, I’m ok with this fact. I am alone because I choose not to settle for someone whom isn’t who I want to be with. There is no point being miserable with someone I don’t love, don’t need and don’t want… of course, I speak from vast experience in this particular area. I am positively, unequivocally a-ok with this… most days. That stupid little fat kid with an arrow just exacerbates an already overwhelming loneliness that no matter how peaceful I am with my circumstance, there’s no removing the needs within.
But then, something happens… something so emotionally shattering that I can’t help but realize that there are better things to be depressed about… yes, this sounds an oxymoron, but wait for it… My lovely friend Nicola wrote the most beautiful, honest, heart-wrenching blog post about her mother that made me realize my loneliness ain’t nothin’. It made me cry, deeply… and it made me remember that my loneliness isn’t missing someone that has been with me, but someone that hasn’t been. Two very different emotions that both leave one empty, but only one aches of loss, and that isn’t my ache. What I’ve learned today is that, no matter how deep the hole feels, it’s not the deepest hole. And, the little prick in a diaper trying to cap my ass, he’s just another twat that I don’t need to date.